What She Really Means
S E P T . 1 4
...and get more jokes if these indeed made you laugh...
The Perfect Profile
'I admit I'm a handful! I'm strong willed, independent and outspoken, I make mistakes, I am sometimes out of control and at times hard to handle - but if you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best!' - ubiquitous Marilyn Monroe quote but let's not mention that.
anything you want to know just ask.
i like extreme sports. bit of an adrenaline junkie me. last extreme thingy i did was a parachute jump at 40,000 feet with me squeezed between the moon on one side and the sun on the other. what do you think of that?? mind you, it was slightly awkward being strapped to a big, hairy australian parachute instructor in the same way as living in london you can feel slighly uneasy at the close proximity to alan carr.
thinking of ways of topping that jump. friends suggest why not do it without an instructor and without a parachute and i am currently looking at the feasibility of that.
have been to 150 countries (pictures of me underwater at my local leisure centre or travelling on top of oversized tortoises to follow) and speak 151 languages tho not necessarily the right words in the right language. despite this wanderlust would like to get out more.
like tents and hotels and things to do with travelling.and animals tho only friendly ones (pictures of a random cat & dog to follow to reflect my soft, cuddly side).love at least a couple of my pictures to be wise quotes stating the bleedin obvious and again pictures to follow.one fav i always quote even to the postman: 'not looking for someone i can live with, looking for someone i can't live without'. he always looks astonished when i wink wisely and tell him that.
the gym is a place you will find me; jim's cafe next door you will not.
have a wicked sense of humour tho, admittedly, this isn't readily apparent. i do find that whole 'laughing' experience agreeable. well some of the time.
anything you want to know just ask.
longest relationship: over 7 days.
no players. or ows, i mean ons, i mean one night stands.
Deciphering the Code
I've deciphered the language of 'love'! Well, 'love' as found on plentyoffish or POF in our abbreviated-obsessed world (everything today seems to be abbreviated as though our time is far too important to have to say the word in full).
POF for the unknowing is the biggest free online dating site. It is blue in background and free for a reason: it's not very good. Basically by it being free means that you don't have to pay so you don't have to try. It is dating for the lazy person - no-one really wants to date; everyone wants to hide behind their online persona and be whoever they want to be. Reality and meeting tends to burst that bubble.
Mind you, the paying dating sites aren't any better. They really are in love with the digits of your credit card and, well, 'automated renewal': how does anyone get away with that?
Well, it seems like that to me though having been on it a few months I have to admit to becoming quite jaded.
There are alot of lies and the list below will give you an idea what she really means when she says what she says. And in some I offer constructive advice to the problems she says she has when she says what she says...
Would some women stop putting bikini shots up on their dating profiles as I spend my time mentally putting clothes back on you and it's time consuming. Thanks.
'I don't mind - surprise me!' = OK, bus shelter and a bag of chips. You pay. Have you got £2.20 for my bus fare as I forgot my oyster card?
'Coffee or a lunch time drink' = coffee or a lunch time drink. Lunch time drink or coffee. The choices are endless.
First Date Ideas
Not Having A Birthday Every Year
'i'm 39, 49, 59' - no-one reaches a 0 on a dating site
'i'm 39' - strange, i'm 43 and used to be younger than you
'i'm a 121 but don't look it' - it's a crime to look your age on a dating site. oh, the pressure society put's on us to keep looking young these days. i have no doubt if baby squirrels could talk they'll be saying: 'i'm 3 months old but don't look it'. very sad
'i'm 39 but love ibiza, rave & hip hop' - i'm 46 & know all the lyrics to wham! rap
'i'm 39 BUT love groove armada' - not sure about this one but at a guess i would say it is a fleet of spanish ships that nelson lost to in the fashion stakes. could be something more modern though as i'm so old i still think in black and white
Bald & Balder
'i hate bald men and men without hair' - toupee or not toupee, that is the question
Breakfast At Tiffany's?
'before we start.....for those narrow minded guys who constantly email me asking for a s h a g........fk off.........dont bother to get in touch. i do not, nor will not do one night stands and go bed hopping...im not on here for that, join a p o r n or s w i n g e r site if thats what yr after' = interesting introduction. i'm feeling a film from which these lines are drawn - breakfast at tiffany's perhaps? casablanca via surth london? cary grant is really giving online dating a bad name with his antics. put it away, cary, and behave yourself
'no-one nails me on a first date unless your daniel craig' = bond, where the h ell are you when needed?
'i've checked and daniel craig's not on here ... lol' = i'm sure he's here, shaken and very stirred
'i would like to go out with brad pitt but that's so not going to happen' = thanks for the clarification. i did wonder
'gotta thing for george clooney ... well a girl can dream ... maybe dreams do come true ... lol' = i've gotta 'thing' for greta bleedin garbo but she's dead. IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!
'looking for jack sparrow (flawed hero)' = have you seen pirates of the caribbean: at world's end? it's c r a p!
Cannibalism & Dating
'ask, i dont bite ;) unless you ask me to ... lol' - there you have it. conclusive proof: cannibalism is alive and well in the 21st century! in guildford?!
Travel, Madness, Humour, Laughter, Sadness & Lies
'love to travel' = i've got an oyster card and ain't afraid to use it
'love to travel more' = i've topped up aforementioned oyster card
'mad as a hatter' = boring
'great sense of humour' = do you have any proof on that as you hide it so well?
'wicked sense of humour' = very boring
'people tell me I'm fun & witty' = they lied
'love a man who can make me laugh' - we both in love with the same man: harry hill
'hate sadness' - suppose it's not for everyone
'hate liars & dishonest people' - those who don't tell the truth are on shaky ground with this one
There will be 1000s of Reasons I Love You & They'll All Have The Queen's Head On Them
'i like the finer things' = it's gonna cost ya
'traditional man required' = it's gonna cost ya
'i like a kind man' = it's gonna cost ya but do remember to smile when paying the bill
'i love exotic weekend breaks to european capitals' = i don't like paying for them though
'if you put thought and care into arranging romantic breaks abroad and weekends and dates abroad that would really be like catnip to me' = she gets 'high' on catnip when you pay?? money does the strangest things
3 months later: 'i hear margate's nice this time of year. 2 for the price of 1 day-breaks. anyone? hello? anyone there ...'
'i like a man to put some thought into a first date...its one less thing for me to do lol...' = as in opening your purse?
'looking for a guy who pays his bills' = and hers
'call me off fashioned but i expect the gentleman to pay for everything on dates though if we get to a relationship then the bills will be halved. when they invented womens-lib they didn't consult me...lol' = clever. soften the message as the sentence goes on and introduce humour in the 2nd and ending sentence. well, it must be 'humour' as she's laughing outloud at her own joke. nice one
'for a first date it would have to be about being wined and dined!' = big mac meal for 2 or burger king - you decide
'im looking for a man who will take care of me wine me dine me and spoil me. I LOVE TO BE SPOILED AND TREATED LIKE A PRINCESS I MEAN WHAT GIRL DOESNT? ' = ever get the feeling the tab will have your name on it at the end of the night?
'dont worry about the people from your past ... there's a reason they didnt make it to your future' - yeah, they never called me back!
'i'm unique because i'm me, isn't everyone?' = didn't think of it like that
'love is a battlefield' = stop quoting pat benatar. she was rubbish in 1985 without bringing her back
'we are young, heartache to heartache we stand' = didn't you hear me?
'life's what you make it' = couldn't agree more but didn't mark hollis and talk talk already establish that circa 1985?
'life is like a box of chocolates' = i beg to differ. when did anyone try to eat you? food for thought
'love me for the reason: let the reason be love' = no
'tomorrow is another day' = thanks for that
'never look back..always forwards!' = duh! driving?? idiot
'what's the name of the game?' = agnetha, i love you
The Empire State-rs
'no offense' (prepare for the worst) 'but i'm 5ft 3 and 6ft in my heels so don't be shorter than me or i'll ignore you! lol' - being 4ft 3 does have its advantages
2 weeks later: 'please be taller than the midget next door' - i look up to him
'taller than 5ft10 so I'm not looking down on you with my heels on' = we could build you a trench? and cover it
'taller than 6ft5 so I'm not looking down on you with my heels on ... lol' = don't look down then
'found that guys often add a couple of inches onto their height too' = you're 5ft1. does it matter, shorty?
'not being funny but I'm tall and wear heels, got nice legs I like to show them off, so no shorties lol..xxxx' = no-one could accuse you of that
'can you handle me?' - is there a handling fee?
'are you for real?' - no
'dance me to the end of love...' = leonard cohen, are you in the building? leonard, LEONARD!
'come on mr darcy where are you!!!!! = alas, you're 200 years too late. lost in the imagination of jane austen who died 200 years ago. HE IS NOT REAL!
'internet dating is horrendous' = probaly the wisest think i've read. put whatever gloss you like on it: it's a desperate medium.
'i'm looking to date someone who's ready for a relationship, someone whose not afraid to make some long-term plans. i want honesty... ' = mind if i smoke afterwards? sorry it didn't last longer. didn't i tell you i was married? gotta go: my wife works shift and if i go now i'll beat her in and she'd never know i'd been out ... you haven't got £2.20 for my bus fare by any chance?
'i'm honestly direct, honest, inquisitive, fun to be with, affectionate and quite loyal' = i really don't see that many people without my clothes you know
'kiss me with passion' = can i not say 'hi' first?
'i want honesty from a man ... is that too much to ask?' = why have a picture of kate middleton up on your profile? kate? your majesty? you're marrying and on pof? unbelievable
'you never know!!' = oh you do
'lifes too short so lets have a laugh!' = what if i have gangrene of the leg? do i still have to laugh?
'i believe in not going to sleep with a problem...talk about it until the problem has gone...that way you wake up in a better frame of mind..closer to the person you love and not a big set of problems' = my aforementioned gangreous leg. are you saying my leg will be gone in the morning? i don't want to hear that.
'the kind of guy i would be interested in would be honest and funny above anything else, but also someone I could have an intelligent conversation with - a man with a touch of class. after recieving certain offers and messages i would like to make it clear that i will not go topless on web cam and i do not want a 'playmate' either' = i won't say it again, cary grant, behave yourself!
'listen up, ok, i don't do one-night stands and ain't getting me wobbly bits out for no-one. gottit?????' = too right. cary grant: just because you're an iconic film star (though you never won a best actor oscar) it does not give you the right to see any part of a lady's anatomy on pof at will. turn your webcam off, close the computer and learn how to respect a pof ladyeeeee!
'i love to travel and would love to be with someone who would like heading off to weird and wonderful places, near and far. if you ain't been - or don't want to go - further than benidorm, I may struggle! oh, and we have to do it ethically and offset our emissions - i'm a keen green!! currently studying for a masters in environmental strategy...nuff said!' = next!
'i am not looking for sex on the first date' = next!
'im a pretty kool chick! lol' = i'm a pretty kool dude as my name's kris with a k and i like kool & the gang. let's talk
'i would love to travel all diFONT countrys' = ah, the fonts of the world. now you're talking. bit partial to times new roman and have experienced arial. they say arial narrow is nice this time of the year
'lunch at a pub near a river or water, a picnic on the beach, a meal in a west-end restaurant, breakfast at claridges ...' = i predict a diet
'i would like to meet the right man, because I would like to become a wife and mother one day!' = it helps
'how many more frogs do i have to kiss?' = no wonder your single! a disgusting and possibly illegal pastime
'looking for a prince' = prince charles? prince in his kiss era? prince naseem hamed? i can only help if you give me more info. where did you put him?
'i likes going out with the girls am happy fun going and likes all sorts of music not really got hobbies just want to see what the site is like' = what did a 'full stop' ever do to you?
'just a girl looking to find her prince charming' = can you officially be classed as a 'girl' at 73?
'do you believe in fairytales? make a wish' = i wish i was gay
'looking for my prince charming' = dale winton's looking sexier by the minute
'looking for someone like me, but male' = bugs bunny? scooby doo? give us a clue
'i could write and write and write but talking is better, don't you agree?' = no
'touch my tears with your lips' = i'd rather not. don't know where they've been. but thanks for the offer
'ski down mountains in my lunch hour' = seen ski sunday
'bungee jumped off mt everest' - fallen off the sofa reaching for the blue nun
'just back from a himalayan trek and a week of exhilirating (sic) skiing in france. now off to scuba dive off the bolivian coast & ski along the amazon' = phew, i'm knackered just reading your profile. i need a cup of tea
'love jumping in and out of puddles when it rains' = i've a puddle for you. the pacific. with concrete boots
'love dire straight' = never thought knopfler was gay but thanks for the clarification
'i don't do white' - alas, i had our future together mapped out. holidays on tropical islands, long talks on the meaning of life beside cosy log-fires, italian films we watch snuggled & cuddled up on dfs sofas with copious amounts of liebfraumilch ... but if you 'don't do white' what can i do?
'i don't do black ... i'm no rascist just non-white is not attractive to me. never have, never will. no offense' - none taken, adolf.
'i don't do black, white, albanians...etc., etc' - eskimos?
'just a note to say, i'm totally overwhelmed by the amount of emails I've received. i still have to read everyone so be patient. also I kindly ask any guys out there to refrain from sending me intimate details of themselves' - bryan ferry tells you he's got a big one and you don't wanna know? no wonder you're single
'i'm aware I have big boobs, so please don't feel the need to inform me that they are 'top tits' or how you'd love to 'put my face in them', have some class and treat me like a lady please' - i'll save my best lines for someone else then
'to make sure i know uv read my profile and u wana msg me tell me one thing i love at the start of ur msg!!' - TOP TITS!!!!!
'i dont ask for much, just someone who can hold a conversation, respect me for who i am, and someone who can be my friend and maybe end up being more.' - what can i say? canny pair of tits!!!!!
'hiya all well i hate writing about my self so i guess if u want to no anything u can just ask i like to go out and have a drink with friends naw and then doesnt happen often as they are settled down with kids i love stayin in watching a good film in my pjs eating ben n jerrys :D kinda crazy with the girls but really a little shy in front of new people if u fancey a chat then u no what to do. all the best' - the full stop arrived a little late but we got there in the end
'OH AND BTW I DO MEAN I AM FROM MOTTINGHAM NOT NOTTINGHAM!!!!!! ITS NEAR ELTHAM AND I HAVENT SPELT IT WRONG LMAOOOOOOOOO.............' - comic b##tard genius
'if you would like to know more ask--I know who I am grown, so if your not on point or your on some next tip keep it moving PLS... lol' - ok chris bonnington - i get the point
'i like keeping in shape and have recently got an addiction to zumba exercise classes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' - so many exclamation marks: thought of therapy?
'new to all this but decided to dip my rod in and see what nibbles i get! :)' - ah, the double-entendre. well i'm sure you won't be dipping your rod in for too long before a riverbank of p r i c k s pop up
'someone well groomed, but please, no nasal or ear hair! it doesn't do a thing for me!! out of control eyebrows that look like they've been living rough for years are also a big turn off for me! ok, maybe i sound fussy, but it's what i like, i think it's called choice and probably because i have standards!' = reasonable request. the amount of women with beards and out of control eyebrows on pof is almost sinister though not without merit (see lowry's woman with a beard for my ideal date)
'IF YOU ARE JUST LOOKING FOR SEX ONLY OR A SHAGATHON!, THEN JOG ON, BECAUSE ITS REALLY NOT WHAT IM LOOKING FOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' = 'shagathon'? marathon? 26 miles with you? i may be able to muster 100 metres then it's goodnight vienna.
'want a meaningful relationship' = the last she heard from her last first date was the screech of his tyres the morning after
'looking for a guy who has good male friends (and I want you to keep your friendships)' = sweet
'so nice if you smell good too' = you want it all don't you love
'hello is it me you're looking for' = lionel ritchie. can dating get much lower?
'don't do one-night stands' = that's nice
'love football' - haven't had a date for awhile
'know the offside rule' = never had a date
'i'm a simple person' = indeed
'don't miss a good thing' = why? is your best friend dating again?
'looking for my sole mate' = if you could spell it then you might be able to find him?
'i'm a star, when you see me, make a wish' = ok. i'd like to sleep with your sister and your best friend. is that 1 wish or 2 wishes? i'll sleep with them both at the same time if that makes it 1?
'someone lovely and delicious!' = marco pierre white on toast?
'am looking for someone who is honest and doesnt lie' = i think you'll find the ability to tell the truth at all times is a pre-requisite for full-time honesty
'I HAVE A LARGE FAMILY 4 SIS 2 BRO WE ARE ALL REALLY CLOSE' = and are you all deaf or do you enjoy shouting at each other?
'a coffee/drink for warm up or a lovley dinner to kick off. either of these will lead to discussion of the game plan.
take note that a cinema would be totally offsides for a home game and might even get you a red card.
and for a goal, cut down on the endless ping pong emails and get with the programme before you lose the game' = are these the lyrics to anfield rap or are you on speed?
'NO GOLDEN OLDIES sorry:(' = you're 92. how 'old' is 'old'? you wanna pulse? greedy girl.
'PLEASE DONT SEND ME PHOTO'S OF YOUR PRIVATE PARTS & NOTES EXPRESSING THE SIZE....IM NOT IMPRESSED BY THE SIZE, WIDTH OR LENTH AS WALKING COMFORTABLY THE NEXT DAY IS MORE IMPORTANT' = and who said the small p e n i s wasn't back in fashion? lady: i'm just the man you're looking for ... you won't know i was there.
'not in to women 100% straight, so to all the women who keep messaging me i don't do girl on girl.....' = selfish
'a greek once said: "a person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free."' = stavros flatley?
'blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER, blah, blah, blah FOOTBALL. great I?ve got your attention!' = yawn. steroetyping at its worst. some of us like tennis, you know.
'i think i have a lot to give to the wright person' = you only date the wright brothers??
'i would like to apologise to anyone who gets blocked from my account - that is due to the green dots that appear when someone is online and as i don't like looking at them i block people to make sure that i don't get a green dot' = there really isn't anything i can add.
'hello' = goodbye
'milk tray man wanted!' = what? are you gonna eat me?
'i am the most unique woman I know, you will have to get to know me to find out why' = ah, the different shades of 'uniqueness'. a kaleidoscope of possibilities
'work hard, play hard' = i've got an endless list of cliches and ain't afraid of using 'em
'i look like my photo' = in 1972
'you should look like your photo' = in 2011
'must have a photo' = because i don't
'if carlsberg made girlfriends ...' = you'd be able to buy 1 get 1 free
'body type? average' = haven't seen my toes since 1975
'body type? athletic' = and linford christie won the 1992 olympic 100 metres 'athletic' like that??
'i'm artulate and expect you to be the same' = no translation required
'i'm on the peter andre side in the divorce' - i'll get my coat
'looking for a serious relationship - players and non-serious people need not apply' - this is confusing as a blurry photo in a bikini sprawled across the bed with a whip in one hand, a camera in the other and a mouth half open half closed with traces of last night's dinner around it might appear to be giving mixed messages
'love ice cream in bed with 2 spoons...naked' - i'll pass. i'm mentally putting clothes back on you
'must work out' - because i don't
Achtung - Ending First Dates
'first date - should check out the toilet windows are big enough to escape out of ... lol' = haven't worked out that the door they came in can also be used to go out of as well
'somewhere with plenty of exits!!...well you never know! lol' = don't worry about the quantity of exits. just say: 'you repulse me ... i'm leaving now'. always works
The Shopping List
'i'm 39 and know what i want or don't want ;)
i'm looking for someone who doesn't smell. has a waist no bigger than 34 inches. 6ft to 6ft4. mustn't wear football shirts unless he's playing. has plenty of groomed hair on the top of the head and if he does have to have a double crown there must be plenty of hairs around both aforementioned crowns. just saying it like it is ;) no tattoos not even small ones. ideally he shouldn't have any kids but if he does they must have the same mother. he must be muscular but not really big muscles - more like muscles on a lean torso just like johnny depp. over 14st don't bother me. must work out at least 3 times a week but preferably 5 or 6 times a week at an accredited gym. must spell correctly. don't waste my time (or yours) if you don't meet all my requirements. no endless e-mails - if you meet my requirements and there is mutual chemistry let's meet quickly. the venue is up for discussion and any gentleman will know that he'd be footing the bill. just saying it like it is ;)' = relationship history: the longest relationship UNIQUEKLASS09 has been in was over 3 days long
'i've never been married, or even lived with anyone for that matter, no kids, so guess that makes me pretty much baggage-free!! guess, in truth I've just never met mr right. i'm seeking an affectionate, trustworthy, down-to-earth, tactile guy (preferably younger!) with integrity, a good sense of humour and a sharp wit...oh yes, and of course, he has to be incredibly handsome! ;-) could YOU make my heartbeat race and send that tingle down my spine? it could be fun finding out and, who knows, that elusive thing called "love" could be just around the corner!
PS: at the risk of sounding pompous, please don't message me in text speak because you won't get an answer (even if you are incredibly handsome!). it's lazy and I find it really irritating!
PPS: not too keen on facial hair (though a bit of stubble can be quite appealing!) and not too keen on long hair.
PPPS: at the risk of sounding fussy, please don't message me if ... i've run out of reasons but i feel one coming on real soon.
PPPPS: please don't be offended if I don't reply, it's just that you're not he whom I seek. = seeking: kraftwerk's showroom dummies? a blow-up doll? little & large? cannon & ball? the living dead?
'i don't wish to chat to anyone that does not have at least two decent, clear face shots willingly available if not posted, that are recent, no excuse in this day and age not to have photos....i'm not shallow, i just know who I'm gonna be attracted to and I'm not here to just "make friends" as such, so what's the point of chatting endlessly to someone I'm never gonna fancy, attraction is paramount, don't get me wrong, personality and charm are too but lets face it, you don't look at someone in a bar and think...cor he/she has a lovely personality, do you?!' = PPPPPPS: p off.
The Voice Of Reason
'is that too much to ask?' - i've forgotten the question
© - Paul, Oct. 2012
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My Sensitive First Dating Profile
I'm 37 but friends tell me I don't look a day over 36 which is nice. I'm not looking for everybody: I'm looking for somebody. There's a difference. Food for thought. I can dress up or down as the occasion befits and am equally happy in jeans as well as shorts. And as for speedos - well just imagine it!
Not at all superficial but would like to meet a woman with supermodel looks, the smile of a Charlize Theron, the hair of a Farrah Fawcett and the eyes of
Michelle Pfeiffer. Must have a great body like Cindy Crawford.
A personality is optional.
© - Paul, April 2010
Why Are We Here?
On a dating site I mean. Found this on a profile and it made me laugh.
We are all here for a reason......
Some are married and bored.
Some just to prove they can still 'pull'.
Some like to play games and have a bit of 'harmless' fun.
Some work nights and are bored and proberbly married too.
Some are shy and find it easier to talk to a static image.
Some are seriously disturbed
Some want to expand there social circle
some looking for the person of their dreams
Some want to find a friend to got out with
Some want to get laid
Some are lonely
We are all islands I guess: well if islands were worried about hairloss, diminishing pulling powers as the middle-age spread just won't go away or a complicated drawn-out process that is dating when all you want to do is get laid then we are islands in the stream.
The last paragraph is mine and it is just rubbish.
© - Paul, April 2010
Recommended Reading: If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?: Ten Strategies That Will Change Your Love Life Forever
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